Be Still

 

~Psalm 46:10~

Hmm... be still.  Something I sure struggle with ever since I started chasing my first toddler.  Just ask my husband - I struggle with sitting on the coach.  Poor guy is like, "Just come sit with me!"  So I did, today.  Oh, I saw that NASCAR race (stand by your man), and the unbelievable accident at the end.  (On another note, how cool is it that they pray before every race?  And for good reason!) 

But back to stillness.  Stillness. Be still.  I remember being still, years ago, at Lakeside Christian Camp.  I can picture this tree and I sat by it, near the lake, reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, probably 15 years old, maybe 16.  It was so quiet and beautiful out.  And it felt like it was just me and God.  There's stillness.

Recently, in reading the Bible with Annabelle at bedtime, I noticed how often Jesus would go off by himself, to be still.  He was a busy guy, teaching and preaching to crowds, and counseling disciples, that he just needed rest and peace and time with His Father.  I need that too.

And stillness is hard to come by as a mom of 2 and 1 on the way (that's T-J everyone!!).  I can't just suddenly grab my Bible, a journal and head out to a shady tree anymore.  There's children to love and raise, and a husband to support and share this awesome life with each day.  I have to be intentional about being still now.

Ya know this verse always made me think about going and finding stillness.  But lately..... God opened my eyes to more.

I need stillness with the Lord, time to just dwell in His love and seek His guidance.  But not just physically.  This verse always made me think I needed to "Be still" with God physically in a quiet place. 

But working through this adoption process, God has asked me to "Be still" in my mind and heart, and "Know that [He] is God."  The adoption process is a curvy, bumpy, mountainous road with high highs and low lows.  There are times of utter joy, and sacred beauty, but also, sleepless nights, and teary eyes.  There is a lack of control.  I never realized until the past year how much I relish control.  But right now, in regards to our son, my dear husband and I do not have control.  We are a bajillion miles apart and its the opposite time of day there, and I have little knowledge of what his day entails.  I do not know when he will come home.  I do not know the day I will see his precious face, meet his eyes, or hold his hand, or the day I will earn his trust as his Momma. Its part of the nature of adoption: uncertainty.  And many ask, "Why does it take so long?  Don't they want these children to come home?"  The answer is "Yes."  But the fact of the matter, he is a human being, and in this world, every human being must be accounted for, so our little person has to be accounted for in 2 countries, go through 2 government systems, wait on paperwork to move across desks, and officials to make decisions and new laws, for staff to learn the new laws in order to implement them, he must wait in line for his turn, and then the will let us know they need more paperwork, then one blessed day email or call America to say "Its time for this child to go home," then we'll get our travel call/email then wait another month at least for visas and medical exams and travel arrangements and schedule a formal time for us to meet our child, and on and on.  When you think about all the steps, no wonder ya have to wait awhile?  If you've ever worked in an office, you know how paperwork is, how meetings are long, and how only so much gets done in a day, and imagine facilitating "Gotcha Days" (when families meet their children), and how special the agency there wants that meeting to be - those can't be rushed, so only so many meetings fit in a day.  Its amazing about 650 children will be adopted from South Korea this year.

And so, how can we complain?  How can we say, "Let's move this along faster."  We know there are many who work hard each day for these children, who care deeply for their futures, and still, only so much can be done.  South Korea has stopped giving out Emigration Permissions this year, as the country has reached a quota they have set for the number of children they will allow to emigrate.  This is where my husband and I struggle to be still.  A quota?  Why?  And its a long, hard explanation really, for another time.  But our son was so close, very close actually to traveling.  But didn't make the quota.  This was hard to swallow.  Instead of feeling still, I battled this one out in my heart and mind, waiting an additional 7-10 months due to the quota to meet him was not good news, this was a low point.  I was far from stillness for awhile, aching, and anxious and just frustrated about the quota.  I still get frustrated, but what does frustration do?  Nothing good. 

So we wait.  We wait not knowing if we'll meet our son in the winter, or the spring, or the summer even.  That's a long time to wait to meet your child - a whole year minimum.  Trust me, this can make a mother go CrAzY!  I've had my moments.  I've shed puddles of tears and  I've had a peace that passes all understanding.  I've asked God, "Help!"  And His answer was...

"Be still, and know that I am God . . . " 

~Psalm 46:10

What?! Be still?!  And do nothing?  Just know you're God!?   

"Yes.  Be still, and know that I am God."

Be still.  Not find stillness.  Not go sit on the couch, and do nothing but think about how to fight the system.  But live...  Live life and be still in my heart and mind, with the knowledge that God is GOD!  This was mind-blowing to me.  An epiphany of sorts, that I don't have to struggle each day, that I don't have to live in frustration in order to love my child well.  But instead, to love my child well, I have to have faith and stop fighting inside.  I've heard this verse a hundred times.  I've sang the song.  I've sought stillness actively.  I've actively tried to be still. (This makes me chuckle).

And God says to just do it.  Kinda like saying, 

"I've got it under control.
Remember who I am."  

More tenderly, its kinda like saying,

"Cease all your striving, and rest in my love.

You are my precious one. 
You are my precious one."

God is telling us in this simple verse to stop trying so hard and just know that the God of the universe who loves us intimately and beautifully, has it under control.  I can't see it all the time.  I don't know how He is moving things.  I don't know the future.  And my worrying, crying, anger, frustration, sulking, and complaining are not the picture of being still and knowing He is God.  

I think its hard to give God His rightful place sometimes, to allow Him to lead me, to trust Him enough to STOP worrying, to realize truly that my worrying and anxiety and mind-racing doesn't accomplish anything, but wraps me in fear and anxiety.  Its like I'm saying, "But God...."  

And he says, 

"No. No.  Just be still."  

I think there are things we don't need to understand, or get to understand.  I believe God uses trial to discipline us, to teach us to come to Him.  

And where we thought the blessing of adopting a child would be just that - our child, it will be.  But its so much more too.  Through this adoption, we have grown in the Lord, in our marriage, in our understanding of trusting God with all things, but especially with that which we hold most sacred - our children.  We think we love them most.  But He does. 

This reminds me of Max Lucado's children's book, titled "You are Loved" about Punchinello, a little wooden figure who meets Eli, the Woodcarver.  He walks in Eli's woodshop, and Eli immediately calls him by name, to which Punchinello responds, "How do you know my name?  Eli, the Woodcarver says, "Because I made you."  This always makes me teary and if you do not yet have this book for your children, get it!  This is an illustration of God knowing each one of us, His creations, and we might be surprised how well He knows us.  He knows our son already.  He made him.  He made me and my husband, our daughter and our son, carving us, making us a certain way.  And He decided to make us a family.  He knows the day we will be together.  He knows the right time.  I'm so thankful to be still, and know He is God.

 

So if I can give you any encouragement, its to enjoy the peace God offers us for trusting Him, for giving it to Him, for having faith in who He is, and you will feel that burden literally lift off your shoulders.  Its amazing.

And lastly, that it wasn't as easy as just doing it, just deciding to be still in my heart and mind.  I had to ask God's help to give Him my pain, my sadness, my thoughts.  I asked my husband to pray for me.  I couldn't live sad, everyday.  I couldn't change my heart though.  God had to work in me, and He gently led me to this place of peace, and there are hard days still, and days of anxiety ahead I know.  I'm human, I feel things, a lot. I miss my son. But He knows that.  He knows me, really well.  He made me this way.  So, its like turning to face the sun to feel the warmth on your face, instead of going inside on a gorgeous day when you're sad.  I'm going to go find the sun (Son), and sometimes I'll have to ask Him to take me by the hand and pull me outside, and then I'll remember, ah yes, this is where I should be, remembering His promises, His power, His sovereignty, His love and feel the blessing of stillness with Him.

This verse sits my windowsill where I do dishes, where I do my thinking and need encouragement.  (I love posting verses around my house, don't you?)  

p.s. The other day my daughter sat at the kitchen table singing the simple melody, to herself "Be still and know that I am God," and it was beautiful.  May that verse never leave as that melody lingers in her mind all her life.  This is it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtflAXHh-jk